Living a Dream...[Slowly]. [entries|friends|calendar] Kelly Marie [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) 4 months later... [29 Aug 2007|09:41am] [ mood | busy ] Dear Darren, OK...WOW!!! Every month comes and when it hits the 13th I want to write something but then I never do. I'm sorry. So here ya go, a few months and a few days late. Its not like we don't talk or anything just I know how much you LOVEEE my letters lol. Well this is whats been going on: nothing! Just kidding. Steve and I are still together. Surprised? I sure am! Haha. I got that part time job at the doctors office but I quit like last week. I couldn't deal with it anymore. There was so much bullshit and I don't have time for that. So unfortunally I'm back at old navy. I really don't want to be there that long...seriously! 2 months tops! Steve went to school in Maryland last week. So far its been ok. I miss him and sometimes its frusterating, but I think that everything will be ok. I'm going down there to visit on our year anniversity which is Sept 21st. I'm sooo mad tho because I was going to get him a camera, but he just bought one. So I have to think of something else now. Any suggestions? The fair started. I've been twice. I lovee it. Nothing is better than all that food. I think I'm going again on Saturday with my cousin. You know what would be better than this letter? Actually talking to you! I know that can't happen but I just forget everything when I write. People are going back to school and I always get sad. I want to go back soooo bad. I think I finally figured out what I want to get my masters in tho. Library Scince. My top 5 schools are SU, Maryland, Albany, Buffalo, Denver. I need to get a job before I can actaully be serious about this tho. I really would like to find one at SU cause then I would go for free...even in Maryland would be cool cause then I can live with Steve. Well Darlin' I have to go to the gym and get ready for this beautiful day. <3 tons and tons! Love, Kel PS: Sometimes you just gotta answer.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Soo sorry. [14 Apr 2007|02:30am] [ mood | tired ] Dear Darren, So I'm a few hours late. I know I always write on the 13th. But I have been busy. I was even too busy to notice that it was "Friday the 13th". I'm so tired. I have been sick and haven't been getting alot of sleep. My mom and I are both sick. It kindof sucks. But nothing really has been going on. I've been working alot. Trying to save money...its not working so well. Steve and I are going to Colorado on the 27th, then we're going to Maryland at the end of May. Then Grundies shower and bparty in June, the wedding is in July. After allllll that. I'm saving my money and moving out. Where I do not know. But somewhere. Steve really wants me to go to Maryland with him when he goes for school. I don't know, I want to, but I don't. I guess we'll have to see when the time gets closer. We haven't been together that long, 7 months, but I don't know, its too soon for me to even consider it seriously. If that doesn't happen, Colorado here I come. I can't stay here anymore. I just want to move on and see whats out there. I've applied for two jobs. Both of them are part time. But one of them may open up to full time for the "right person". So help me out plllllleaaasssssssseeeeeeee!!!! I really need these jobs. I may be working three of them just to get some money. With three accounts I might have $500. I have never been this poor before. I don't understand how when I was at school with no job I have lots of money. Now that I'm out of school with a job, I have zero!!! Its really stressing me out. And considering I have all these things I have to pay for. Darren I'm so tired, and I'm so sorry I haven't had the time to write more. But I still think about you every single day. Love, Kel PS: Sometimes I see a little movement in the corner of my eye, and I'll look and no one is there, I think its you.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) A little short one from me to Stumpy. [13 Mar 2007|10:52am] [ mood | hopeful ] Dear Darren, Heyyyy how are you?? I just want to write a quick letter today. Just saying that I miss you and I always think about how things would be different if you never left. Like if Chad and I were still together would we ever have met? Or if we weren't and I actually thought outloud for you, would things end differently?? I just have always hoped that if you were still here, we would still be talking all the time. So I just wanted to say that you have been on my mind and I really do miss you. Love, Kel PS: Help me find my happy pills. :0)

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Got you on my mind...all the time [13 Feb 2007|12:22am] [ mood | confused ] Dear Darren, Hey sweetie. How have you been?? Good I hope. I've had a pretty stressful week. It was crazy. I went up to Potsdamn on Friday (2.2) for Kira's birthday. I had so much fun. I got to hang out with my sister for a little bit, had a few beers, lost my car keys, chipped my tooth, ya know the usual. Haha. But the real story is when I tried to come home on Sunday morning. I was driving through a white out hoping I could get to Watertown. But I didn't make it. I got to Fort Drum where I put my car into a ditch. I was so scared and stressed that I got out of my car balling my eyes out. Just as I did that, a family stopped and took me to their house. I was so upset and stressed out but I realized that this great family stopped to help me and thank God that they did. I wouldn't know what I would have done if they didn't. Monday morning came and I finally got my car out of the ditch. Steven...he was amazing through the whole thing. He got my to calm down he came out to Watertown to be with me and it really showed me alot. We spend the whole day together and it was nice. Tuesday morning we tired again. We got as far as Mexico when I was like no, I'm not going any farther. It was another white out. Steven wanted to keep going but I wasn't comfortable driving. So we got into a huge fight and waited for the snow to stop. He didn't want me to drive the rest of the way because we knew the roads would still be bad. So he drove and we left my car at this truck stop. We finally got my car out Saturday...a week later. So anyways, I'm so thankful for all the people that helped me out. Valentine's day is coming up. :0) I don't really know what Steven has in store but I hope its good. Haha...nah I really just want dinner and kisses. So I'm wicked excited that Harry Potter is coming out in July. Steven already preordered the book for me!!! I have plans to move!! Out to CO. Hopefully in Aug or Sept. I'm really excited and I can't wait. Steven and I are hopefully going out there in Apr. I can't wait for Summer time. I'm sick of being cold. I can't wait to have the sun on my face, and get tan!! There was something else I was going to tell you...I always forget!! Ohhh...Alex. *sigh* I really don't know. I know that he likes this girl alot and I'm happy for him. But he has completely forgotten about his best friend. I dunno, it really made me upset the other day when we were talking and he said that he really wasn't paying attention. I don't know, we don't talk anymore, and I know its a two way street but its like I have no desire to talk to him if hes not going to pay attention, or really care. Yeah so that has been bothering me lately. I already said something and he just blew it off. Saying that he didn't think it was that big of a deal, but it is to me. Specailly since I feel like we have been through so much together. He has been one of my best friends taking care of me and knowing what to do and say. He is probably the only one that really knew what to do when I was upset and when none of the girls would know. He didn't blow it off or say not again. He did what a friend is supposed to do. And I guess it just hurts so much that he can't even talk to me anymore. Well I love you Darren. And I really don't know my purpose here but I'm going to find it. It might take some time, but I know one day I'll see you again. Miss you always. Love, Kel PS: Sometimes I wonder if we would still be close if you didn't leave.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) I just want to be the one who makes you smile [13 Jan 2007|02:20pm] [ mood | creative ] Dear Darren, Wow so a year ago I was writing my first letter to you. Well not my first but, the first for what will always be on the 13th, no matter what. Christmas was alright. I got some things that I liked but nothing really exciting. Steve got me the purple robe I wanted and I love it. :0) Things have been going good with him. It was like ever since New Years we talked and things have been good. I know its only been like 13 days into the new year, but 13 good days are better than 13 bad days. My new years resolution is to see the good in people and not their flaws. Good one? What is yours? Steve's is to trust people more. Atleast my new years was a little better than last years, and I remember most of it. Haha. I've been getting depressed lately about not having a job, not getting engaged, not moving out. I feel stuck. But I'm happy. I have Steve, I'm doing well at Old Navy and things at home could be better but I can't really complain. Its just weird because my mom and I used to be so close but now that I am home all the time, we aren't so close. I dunno its just hard to talk to her sometimes. I've been working out lately and lets just say I'm looking extreemly hot. Hahaha...it actually looks like I have some defination. So I'm about to learn how to chrochet. Haha. I'm going to be making a purple blanket. I don't know why but lately I want to make things and I guess a blanket is a good choice. There really isn't anything going on and I feel bad cause normally I have lots to say, but not today I don't. You know its always the same though...I have alot of doubts and I miss you and love you. Last night I was wearing my mavs lax sweatshirt and I didn't even realize what the date was. Kindof like a sign. Haha. Love you dearly Darren. Love, Kel PS: I wish that you were here and we were drinking coco.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) A year ago today [13 Dec 2006|01:25am] [ mood | depressed ] Dear Darren, So one year baby. One year since you left me and everyone else. You are missed by so many people and I just don't understand sometimes why you had to go. Today I asked myself if you were scared. I hope that you weren't, and I hope that you didn't have to suffer. Its funny, even though everyone who was there that night was completely wasted, we just all seemed to sober up once we realized what happened to you. I can still remember asking Cal were you went and calling you about 5 million times leaving you drunk messages. I thought about this day and what I would say to you this month and for some reason I don't have much to say. I mean I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it all. There are still times that I wish I was with you that night, or that I could be with you now. I sometimes feel like I have to pretend everyday, to fake a smile. I'm not happy. I'm so lost and you were always around to help me find my way and now that you aren't here anymore, its like I'm walking around like a ghost in my own world. I don't know what to do with my life, with myself. I should be happy. I'm doing great at my job, a new boyfriend, everything is great with my family. But I'm not happy. We only knew eachother for a short time, but what we had I'll remember forever. I wasn't your girlfriend, I wasn't a fuck buddy, but I don't think I'll ever understand what our relationship was. We had fun no matter what we did and I loved every moment spent with you, but why, why did you have to go and get hurt? Darren I just want you to know that you were special to me. You weren't just someone I could count on to cuddle with. I could count on you and you could count on me. But you broke my heart. You left me and now you're never coming back. I wish I could see you. But all I have are my memories and my dreams. I hope God is taking care of you. I'll be seeing you soon. "I guess its best we say good night." Love, Kel PS: There is never a day that I don't think about you.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Sometimes I really hate you [20 Nov 2006|05:17pm] [ mood | infuriated ] Dear Darren, So I just watched the season finale of the oc season three. I missed it when it first aired because I was out with my dad and stepmom. I knew that Marrissa died but I never saw how or why. The way the car landed was how yours did. Upside down. It just makes me wish you weren't alone, or clearly that it never happened. That something could have changed the events that you never even went driving. I hate you sometimes...specially when I think about it and how selfish you were to go out alone and basically kill yourself. I'm so upset with you and I wish you were here right now to tell me why. To explain to me why you would leave me and everyone else that loved you. I just wish you were here. Love, Kel PS: I sometimes call you just to hear your voicemail.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Totally spaced [13 Nov 2006|01:18am] [ mood | silly ] Dear Darren, Wow...I didn't realize that its the 13th already!! 11 months...I don't even want to think about it. Ha it means that in a month I'm getting my first tat just for you. Buttt you know I'm chicken. It only means I'll have to do something special. You are greatly missed and I am blessed that you are still around to listen to me. Specailly at night. :0) Pretty much my favorite time to talk to you. I had a mental break down on Friday. Went into work balling my eyes out. Just been feeling out of place ya know? But things are better. Just one of those days when you feel down and nothing seems to make it better. Steven makes everyday better though. Things are great and I love every moment spent with him. We are working on our communication skills because we both realized that they suck. HAHA...but not every relationship is perfect and we are still getting to know eachother. But I'm really happy and everynight when I come home after leaving his arms, I can still feel him touching me. To me this is a very good sign. I'm going to tell you again, I deserve this and keep him around ok? We had dinner the other night. I actually cooked it!! The best part was I didn't burn anything. I made pasta, with texas toast. For dessert I made strawberry shortcake. It was soooo good. Work has been crazy. Its being talked about that I could be fulltime. I'm sure I'm ready for that step. Although I would love to be getting 40+ hours a week, I don't know if Old Navy is a career choice. Oh well we shall see. Missin' you always Darren. You know that. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you. Ya know a dream visit would be nice. :0) Love, Kel PS: There are certain things I do that always remind me of you.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) On top of the world [23 Oct 2006|12:04am] [ mood | loved ] Dear Darren, OMG...I couldn't ask for anyone better. I really like Steven and I'm so happy that I found him. Darren...don't stop this feeling I get everytime I think about him, or look at him, touch him, kiss him. :0) I deserve this and I'm finally happy. I'm finally happy with someone who I feel like I can trust and see myself with. Anyone after Chad had a role to play...Steven's role IS to be my boyfriend and is something that makes me want to see him everyday. He makes me feel like a girl is supposed to feel when she is with her boyfriend. He makes me feel like he appreciates me. He makes me feel beautiful and specail. I really want this to go well. I want this to last awhile. I'm not looking at marriage or anything lol...its just right. Love, Kel PS: Miss you and your big booty.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) I'm feeling good feeling great [13 Oct 2006|12:34am] [ mood | happy ] Dear Darren, Wow...10 months! I can't believe you have been gone that long. It still feels like yesterday that we went on our first date. Speaking of which, Steven and I went to the Olive Garden tonight for dinner. It was really good. I like Steven alot Darren. I'm so happy. We always have so much fun together and we can respect one another. Its only been a month, but I can see this last for awhile. But I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything. I'm just having a really great time right now. I don't want it to end and he gives me this great feeling everytime we are together. I haven't felt this way in a loooong time. I know I've said that a few times over the year, but this time I really REALLY mean it. I can't help but smile everytime I'm with Steven or even think about him. Don't take him away from me. This is too much of a good thing. I was just talking to Alex. I told him that I was feeling kindof guilty because I don't think about you as much as I used to. Oh believe me, I think about you pretty much every day. But he said that its the end of the grefing process. I'm happy that I got to this point. But don't worry, you are still greatly missed. :0) I went to Buffalo last weekend. I had sooo much fun! I brought Kira with me and we had a great time. I miss everyone already, but it was great seeing all the girls, Alex and everyone else. Later today Kira and I are going to Clarkson to visit her friends. I'm excited. I love hanging out with those crazy girls. I'm going to see my sister while I'm up there too. I've been working alot still. I really need to start saving some money so I can move out into my own apartment. I should be looking for a 'real job' butttt...its like I'm in my comfort zone and not ready to get out of it yet. So we will see how it goes. Steven, Kira and I are going to Grunds' house the 28th for a Halloween party. I'm excited about that because Steven can finally meet my friends. OMG...so this kid I call him Will Farrel because he looks just like him, he is this really cool guy. But he texted me one night while he was drunk and totally freaked me out. I told Steven about it and basically he wants to kick his ass. I like talking to him and hanging out with him, but he just scares me cause he tells me to break up with Steven and that he likes me and all this stuff. He barely even knows me. Oh Darren...alot of times I wish you were sitting here next to me having a real conversation. I love you so much. Love, Kel PS: Sometimes its the littlest things that remind me of you.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) You never forget [21 Sep 2006|10:56pm] [ mood | sleepy ] Dear Darren, So Steven asked me to be his girlfriend today. I said yes. I'm really happy about it. More than when Ryan asked me. We all knew that wasn't going to last. Him and I were better off just hanging out. I really like Steve and I feel like it could actually mean something. But in the back of mind I'm thinking is this too fast? I mean I know we got into things quickly, but our relationship was something totally different. It was an understanding between us. I'm not going to lie I had feelings for you and I wish that it could have been something. But our relationship would have been a lie. In a different world...thats what we've always said. Its Chad. I can't stop loving him. I can't stop thinking about him. Everyday...he is always on my mind. It has gotten better...I don't cry for him anymore. I just think sometimes 'what if?' BUT...but, I know I can't think like that and I really want to move on. It has only been a year, but I feel like its not the right time to be in a relationship. Then I think, Kelly, you have to stop thinking!!! UGH...I am driving myself crazy. Darren, I guess I'm just writing to ask you to help me out. I know its the right time, and I know I'll never get over Chad, but let me actually feel it. Knowing and feelings are different things to me know. Like I know you are gone, but sometimes I don't feel it. Does this make any sense? What am I talking about?? I am totally giddy about this kid! Ever since I met him I can't stop thinking about him!!! I haven't felt this way since Chad! No offense, I was excited about you, but Steve just gives me that 'this is right' feeling. He gave me flowers!!! OK..well now that I got that out. Love you and miss you always. Love, Kel PS: You still give the best hand rubs.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) 1700...gotta love it [13 Sep 2006|11:08am] [ mood | blank ] Dear Darren, Hey boo...its been awhile. So here is the latest for ya. It is so werid how alot can change over a months time. Mytrle was amazing!! Kira n I had so much fun. I loved every minute of it. Seriously all we did was lay on the beach, drink and eat. It was great. I got so tan and I love it!! Matt Quinn and I are no longer hanging out. Thank God for that!! We were not right from the very beginning and I'm glad that I realized that. We got into stupid ass fights and thats all I could handle. Work is good. Been working alot actually which I like because I don't sit around thinking about stuff. The other day I was wishing I went to school for something else. Like I really wanna be a history teacher. I love history and not many people know that. Alex was making fun of me because well, we all know I hate kids, but I like older kids that aren't dirty. LOL. But him and I were laughing pretty hard if I was his kids' teacher. Ahh I love that boy. I went on a date the other day. His name is Steven. He is wicked cute and he plays lacrosse, so you know I'm hooked. We've been hanging out pretty much everyday since. The only thing that bothers me, is that we work together. I do NOT date people from work but something about him caught my eye and I can't get enough. So let this be a keep for a little bit, or more. Haha. I feel like every time I write I find another boy...but this one is different. We actually laugh together and have fun. I can trust him and I can trust my gut feeling with him. With Ryan I couldn't, and with Matt I was always confused. Lately I feel like you've been in my dreams. But when I wake up I get that like feeling you were there, but I can't figure out if you were or not. I hate that...but atleast I get that feeling like you were there and that makes me happy. :0) I feel like I have nothing to say anymore. I wish you were still here and we were still talking. Last night, or actually this morning at like 1ish it was werid, I heard sirens and I just got flash backs to that night. I think about different events, and not so much like if nothing happened, but if things were a little different. Like if I actually talked to you, or was in the car with you. Or when I was running back to the house, if Tressa stopped me instead of hearing it from Casey. I gotta sell my car soon. I'm sick of looking at it in the driveway. I want someone to buy it so I have some money!!! Speaking of cars...someone hit mine!! They totally messed up my headlight, the hood and bummer. Ofcourse it was a hit and run so I get to pay for it. Yay me!! Alright babe, I'm going back to bed. Miss you and love you very much. Love, Kel PS: I miss you hands in my hands.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Big plans... [10 Aug 2006|10:54pm] [ mood | bouncy ] Dear Darren, Babeface!!! I won't be able to write on your 8th month so I gotta do it now. But what could be better than a letter from me a little bit early? I just got back from Colorado Monday. It was amazing! Beautiful out there. I am 89% serious about moving out there for a job. I fell in love with the mountains, the weather, the views, the people...everything. As soon as I got home I started on my cover letters. So atleast something if giving me a boost. Tomorrow Kira n I are driving to Myrtle Beach. I can't not wait. I can't wait to lay out in the sun for 7 days! I really hope it doesn't rain and that Kira n I have fun. We haven't been hanging out lately. Yes, she is still busy with Ben, but I have been hanging out with Matt Quinn. You don't know the history with that but its a long one. Its going well, so far, but I'm not betting on anything. Just kindof seeing whats out there. Still not ready for anything major. But I'm slowly working on it. I finally figured out my tattoo. Its going to be a cross on my foot with your initals on it. I can't wait!! Summer is almost over, n this is usually the time when I get really antsy about going back to school. Its really going to be different not going back. But its time to start a new life...an 'adult life'. OMG...I FINALLY got my diploma. I'm pumped because it makes it offical. :0) Not too much is happening. Just been working, traveling, hanging out...ya know. I was thinking about you the other day n the most random memory came to mind. I have no idea why. It was when we were at KCs and I was talking to someone and the whole time I was talking to them I remember I could always see you from the corner of my eye. I loved how you would always know what I was feeling. You knew I was uncomfortable about Chad being there but you knew how to make me feel better. I love when different memeories pop into my head. Well sorry this is so short. But I love you and I hope all is well. Keep us safe down here. You know I miss you. Always. Love, Kel PS: Promise me that we'll read the last Harry Potter book?

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Its yours to keep [28 Jul 2006|04:15pm] [ mood | mellow ] Dear Darren, God, I miss you. Its hard to describe how much I miss you. I just read a few of the old letters I wrote. I got a little teary eyed. I just wanted to say hello. Tell you I love you, tell you I miss you. I don't think I'll be able to write to you on your 8th month, so I'll make sure to do it before. I'm going to out to see my dad soon, I'm really nervous about flying, so please watch over my sister and I...kay? Love, Kel PS: Help me find job. :0)

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Almost bed time [13 Jul 2006|12:11am] [ mood | indescribable ] Dear Darren, Hey love. I actually waited until after 12. Proud of me? So not much has been going on. Just confused about life and whats supposed to happen. Not really doing anything, just working at Old Navy and hanging out I guess. Kira is still busy with Ben and I'm basically just doing things alone. Emily's mom is really sick. Just got the news today. Chad imed me and said that Aaron talked to him. They said 2 days. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. Please watch over Mrs. Burch and let her get better. Please let God take care of her. I really don't know what to say tonight. I'm really excited about going out to Rocester. I can't wait to see Grunds n Kimmers n Jennabee. Alex n Matty will be there too. So it will be a good time. Lots of drinking, laughing n probably a few tears. Haha you know me. :0) Hmm what else...oh I went on a date with Chris Smith. I worked with him at 6182. It was so much fun. Hes a cute kid. But a little too young so I'm not going to get into it. I still talk to that boy from the marines. Jim...hes nice n I like him alot. Just sucks. He left for his tour yesterday well actually Tuesday and I won't get to talk to him as much. He goes to Hawaii, Japan, Guam, n other places. He won't be back in Cali until Jan n I'm really hoping he'll come home for a little bit. Well babe...I'm sorry that this is so short. I honestly got nothing tonight. I have been thinking about you...and you've been with me. I've been seeing you in my dreams. Love you lots. Love, Kel PS: Haha I was thinking about when I smashed the banana in your face...oh boy.

(1 hit | ..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Now that I have some time [20 Jun 2006|10:01am] [ mood | flirty ] Dear Darren, So I finally have some time to actually write you a desent letter. Sorry the last one was so short. My sister and I were actually talking to my dad at that time, then I have to go to work. I thought I owed you a longer, better letter so here goes... This month has been crazy. I finally finished school. I'm offically a Medaille College Graduate. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm still waiting for my grade and diploma. I have a hold on my account. I'm still trying to work it out, but its wicked annoying. I have two jobs that I am looking at right now. So we will see how that goes. I really need to find a full time job so I can have some benifits. I'm off my mom's insurance the first of July...I'm so nervous that on the 2nd I'm going to get into some accident and then I won't be able to pay for it. What else...I'm working at Old Navy. I love it. Its so much better than being at the other mall. Its cool too because its a change. It is soooo different being at the bigger mall. The hours go by faster. I hope I do well there because Kim is giving me a chance and I really wanna do her proud. But so far I haven't done what I know I am capable of doing. Some people might think that Old Navy is a shitty job and I shouldn't worry about doing things right, but I would love to have that as my full time job...I would wanna be a manager of course, but I know the company well and I have been there for five years. Most kids don't hold jobs that long. So we will see. Lately this summer has been low key. Kira and I don't really hang out. She is too busy with her new boy. Ben. I've know Ben since high school and used to have the biggest crush on him. Well I totally forgot about him until my freshman year when I came home for Xmas break. He was at the same party I was at with Kira. Kira thought he was wicked hot, but he came home with me. Ben and I really didn't do anything just made out for hours! Well when I went back to school Kira and Ben hung out all the time but never hooked up. She totally liked him and it was cool and everything cause I always want Kira to be happy. So then he left for the Army. Right now he is home on leave...but he is known for leaving for too long. He has been home for over a month and Kira has been hanging out with him every single day. I can't even get her to come out with Dave Steven (which I'll get to later)!! Kira LOVES Dave. So if just shocked me when she wouldn't come out to get ice cream with us. I just think its shitty that all she does it hang out with him. I understand that now they are bf/gf and thats cool, I'm happy that she found someone she really likes, but to ditch your best friend isn't so cool. Normally when Kira and I watch OTH its just us, well the other night she brought Ben over. I want Kira and Kelly time, not Kelly the third wheel time. I guess its the first time that either of us has had a boyfriend at home, who is easy to get to every day. Chad lived an hour away, Greg lived almost 3, so it was normally every other weekend we would see our loved ones. But last night just pushed me over the edge. I wasn't happy. I was happy and in a great mood alllll day, until I went to Kira's to pick her up. We were finally going to have twin time and when I got there Ben was coming to the movies with us. I'm like what the?!? I dunno...am I jealous? Jealous that she has a boy she can hang out with all the time? I really don't think so. I'm actually kindof happy to be single. Oh believe me I get sad when I don't have someone around when I need someone to care, but I'll get through it. Speaking of boys...I'm sure you've watched me hang out with a few. ;0) Dave Stevens...I have been in love with this guy since I first met him. We used to work at 6182 together and he just makes me laugh. I laugh at everything he says. He is a great person. He listens, he does what ever it takes me to make me happy, he doesn't push things on me, and he always makes me feel better about myself. When Chad and I broke up he called me to make sure I was ok and to tell me that I'll get through it. Then when you left, it was the same thing. He didn't hear about it until he came home for break, but he was the only one at work that would talk to me about it. Well when I was coming back home after a week at school, I stopped at his house. We hung out got drunk and made out. The whole time I was thinking...'Oh my God, I am making out with Dave Stevens.' It was great. After I left we have been talking every day since. Just one problem...he has a girlfriend. It really sucks because I have always liked Dave and here were are talking and hanging out but we just have that one thing in the way. I guess we'll see. I'm not holding my breath. We are just friends and we haven't kissed since that night...even though we have both talked about it, and want to do it again. I just don't want to get hurt. I am finding myself pushing myself away from the people I care about. I don't want anyone leaving me. Now, I met this boy at Hooligans the other day. Brian and his friend came to see me and he friend was wicked cute. His name is Jim and he is a Marine boy. We talked the entire night...then he walked me home, since I live across the street. Well there is this grassy field by my house and we laid in the grass for over an hour making out. Probably the most random thing I've done all summer. He called me the next day and we hung out, went to the bars, then went to a party. We spent the night together and I was so proud of myself because I didn't have sex with him! Haha...but it was really cool hanging out with him for the two days. He had to go back to his base in California Satuday. We talked on the phone last night for over an hour. It was really sweet. He goes on a tour in July so I won't be able to talk to him. I hope we keep in touch though. Not that I have intentions of dating him, but I just like to meet new people. I guess thats about it. I'm going out to see Dave today, and I'm getting new sneakers at the outlet mall. I'm pumped. I hope this letter is better than the last. I love you baby. Love, Kel PS: I'm not going to lie...I think about kissing you every day.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) What is a father? [18 Jun 2006|12:58pm] [ mood | confused ] Dear Darren, So its fathers day... :0/ Thats basically how I feel. Not sure how to react to it since lately my dad has been an ass. But I miss you and alot has been going on...in my mind and at home. I love you and I just wanted to say hi real quick. Love Kel PS: Help me clear my head.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Turning over a new left [13 Jun 2006|01:52pm] [ mood | happy ] Dear Darren, Wow I can't believe it has been 6 months alredy. Time flies. Although, its not always a good thing. Specailly since you've missed out on things down here. I'm getting all ready to leave. Just have turn off the computer, pack up the car and its 'good bye 103, good bye Medaille College.' Its bittersweet to be leaving. I've wanted to get out of this place so badly because no one is around, but I know I'm going to miss it. Its been a crazy year both good and bad, but you know what I'm still alive, and I made it. I'm pretty proud of myself. I got through a lot of things. I learned more about myself. I can't believe I am a college graduate. It still doesn't feel real. Maybe because I have my summer job, and not a real one yet. So baby...I miss you like crazy and I have been thinking about you...but when don't I? LOL. I know that you have been helping me out lately, and thanks for it. You know I couldn't do alot of things without you. So on my way home I am stopping at my friend Dave's house. I'm excited. I've worked with Dave forever and I love that boy. Just one problem, he has a girlfriend. Oops. So we'll see. I doubt that anything will happen between us, and for now, I'm ok with that. I'm actually happy. I still get sad, don't get my wrong, but here I am on my own and I am happy. I don't need a boy...I don't need sex. All I need are my friends, a bottle of wine, some ice cream, a wicked cute purse, and great shoes. Haha. Well babe, I know this is short but I just wanted to say a quick hello before taking off. Keep watching over us down here k? Love you very much. Love, Kel PS: There is always a spot right here next to me for you.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) How did you find me? [23 May 2006|08:22pm] [ mood | lonely ] Dear Darren, Baby I miss you so much. Lately it has been rough. Ryan n I are over...and I'm so thankful that you did what I asked. You helped me realize what I needed not what I wanted. I def did not need Ryan in my life. But I just feel so alone. I just want the best of both worlds and I can't have it. I see on tv and when I'm out and about people being in "love". I used to have all that. People were jealous of me and my relationship. Now I have none of that and I feel so empty. I need something. Something in my life that I can look forward to. I'm slowly giving up. I wanna throw in the towel and never look back. So they are tearing your house apart next door. Its the saddest thing that I have ever watched. Just watching them walk through your house like nothing ever happened in there. Its filled with memories. Our first kiss, the first time we made love, meeting Cal and Todd. Sleep overs, movie nights, watching lost, reading Harry Potter, listening to music. There is just so much going on in that house that it kills me to know that its being torn apart. Today they took away all the bushes. Just everything is going to be so different, and I won't be here to witness it much longer. Your parents were here for a private memorial. I didn't go. But they planted a tree for you. I haven't seen it yet. I think it was really thoughtful of them to do that. I'm leaving for Philly on Friday. Kira and I are making the trip to watch the lax championships. I'm excited but then not. It will be the first time going without Chad so its going to be different. But its Kira's first time and its our first trip. Should be interesting. So I'm excited to see what happens. I hate being in this house alone. This is when I wish you were still here. I know you are here in some form but its not the same. I can't hold you, I can't touch you, I can't look into your eyes. I'm reading this book called The Lovely Bones. So far its really good. Its about this gurl who was raped and murdered, and she tells her story of her "Heaven". It makes me think of what Heaven really looks like and if its different for everyone. I imagin yours to be filled with little kids, movies, music and soccer fields. I can see you running around being the daddy for all those kids. Then I can see you getting it on with some hot bitches. LOL. I see mine to be almost the same. Filled with all the ice cream I ever wanted, lax fields, movies, music, and its bright colors you haven't seen in your life time. And beds...lots of beds will the softest pillows and blankets. I want to have the biggest library so I can read as much as I want. And I'll never have to be alone. I picture myself up there with you sometimes. In the book she has a room mate who has the same intrests. I think we would have about the same. Haha...oh boy...open bar too! I just needed to write you because I've been thinking about you alot lately and writing you a letter. Miss you so much Darren. I really wish you were here. I wanna feel you sleeping next to me. I wanna cuddle with you again. I may not have the love for you that some people do, but I have grown to love you more and more even though you aren't here. I just wish I knew how you were doing. Love, Kel PS: Watch over Kira and I this weekend.

(..slap my ass and call me crazy.. ) Now I'm denied by the ghost of you [13 May 2006|07:30am] [ mood | listless ] Dear Darren, Hey babe. How are you doing? I hope well, because things aren't so well down here. Well atleast at this very moment. Ryan asked me out. I said yes. I'm an idiot. I dunno why I did it. I should have known that he is a scum bag. But he went to the bathroom and I checked his phone n his messages. He has like 58 from some gurl Nichole. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! I'm so heated right now. I just wanna punch him in the face n tell him to get the fuck off of my room. Why did he play me for a fool? I'm not a dumb gurl...I can usually pick up on these things. Actually I did, and so did other people. But I didn't pay attention to it. I let it go, because I was having fun and I felt like someone wanted me. Well here I am pissed out feeling like I can't do anything about it because I invaded his personal property. I just never trusted him n that should have been my first sign. He can go fuck himself, and if he thinks he is going to get anything from me, oh he will...a swift kick in the mother fuckin' balls! Sorry, had to get that out. But I do have some good news. I talked to Chad. :0) Last Friday was quad party n I saw him there. Well when the party was broken up I left with Pete and we went to Ryan's house. Then Chad called me and asked where I was cause he was at 95. I told him I was walking home. When I got here, he came over and we went in my room. He kissed me! But I started to cry and I told him to never do it again unless he meant it. He did it again! Then he told me he meant it. It felt so good. To hold him for the entire day, to be with him like nothing ever happened. I love him Darren, I will love him for the rest of my life. And I knewn I still loved him when he kissed me. Not that I doubted it, but my feelings haven't changed. We went back to his house later that night n spent the night laying naked next to eachother. It was pure bless. I loved every minute of it. So why aren't we together you might ask? Well because we can't. I'm graduating soon and I'll be leaving Buffalo, and who knows where I'll be going. We are just friends, and he told me that he never wants to stop. He told me that he never stopped caring or loving me. He said that there were nights he laid in bed wondering what I was doing, and wished I was with him. It made me feel so good. I'm finally happy. Please Darren don't take him away from me. I need him in my life. So graduation is coming soon. Please help me to be strong. I'm really nervous about a few things. 1. That I won't be able to graduate due to internship #2. 2. My holds on my account, and 3. Finding a job when I go back home. Old Navy doesn't have alot of hours to give so I have to find something that will. Plus look for a real job. Ok babe, I gotta go. I'm going home today. Love you soooo much. I miss you everyday. Oh...did you see what I made you? I hope you like it. I love it. Love, Kel PS: Help me, and you know what I mean.

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